This
site provides a copy of the manual used by Mrs. Bonnie Miller for her TWI for
the Children workshops
and seminars in the Balkans. This manual provides instruction to parents on how
to communicate with their children.
Acknowledgements
Although the concept of writing a manual to aid
parents and professionals in their relationships with children was my idea, I
never could have completed this project without the enormous help and advice I
received from many people. The
acclaimed American parenting programs I relied upon have been research-tested
and proven effective in helping parents communicate with children. The authors
themselves, Dr. Stephen Bavolek of the Nurturing Program (Family Development
Resources) and Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish of the “How to Talk So Kids Will
Listen” workshop personally endorsed the idea of my manual and gave permission
for their material to be translated and adapted for foreign use.
When I first published this manual in
Bosnia and Herzegovina
, I received excellent advice from experienced professionals who are also
parents. Experts from the mental
health and social work fields and youth services offered input on adapting
different techniques to be most useful to parents and teachers.
Because parents face universal challenges in raising their children, I
have been asked to publish this book in Greek and other languages for parents
throughout the Balkans.
Table
of Contents
Philosophy
Communication
Building
Self-Esteem and Empathy
Love
and Logic
Discipline
Choices
and Consequences
Resolving
Conflicts
Encouraging
Cooperation
Words
Can Hurt
Handling Anger
Special Issues
Dear Parents:
Raising a child is hard work.
Helping a child develop is one of the most important endeavors any of us
can undertake. For the individual
child and family, and for society as a whole, it is crucial that we encourage
growing children to be strong, intelligent, sensitive, caring, tolerant,
creative, conscientious, confident, and productive.
Being a parent is a full-time job for at least
eighteen years. It’s not a skill
you learn in school. You don’t
need a license or special training to have a baby, but no one warns you of the
challenges and difficulties you may encounter over the years.
I compiled
this manual to help parents to better communicate with their children and to use
verbal and non-physical methods of discipline.
Some of the communication techniques require practice, like speaking a
foreign language, but as you continue to use these respectful strategies, you
will be reinforced by the positive reactions of your children.
I hope these
ideas will help you now and as your children go through their many stages.
The most important ingredients in our children’s lives are security,
love, acceptance, and encouragement. Each
day we should appreciate the special qualities of our children and let them know
how we cherish them because tomorrow they will be adults.
Bonnie Miller
November,
2001
The Progress of Nations
The day will come when nations will
be judged
not by their military or economic
strength,
nor by the splendor of their capital
cities and
public buildings,
but by the well-being of their
peoples;
by their levels of health, nutrition,
education;
by their opportunities to earn a fair
reward for
their labors;
by their ability to participate in
the decisions
that affect their lives;
by the respect that is shown for
their civil and
political liberties;
by the provision that is made for
those who are
vulnerable and disadvantaged;
and by the protection that is
afforded to the
growing minds and bodies of their children.
UNICEF,
The Progress of Nations 2000.
Children
Learn What They Live
If
a child lives with criticism,
he
learns to condemn.
If
a child lives with hostility,
he
learns to fight.
If
a child lives with ridicule,
he
learns to feel shy.
If
a child lives with shame,
he
learns to feel guilty.
If
a child lives with tolerance,
he
learns patience.
If
a child lives with encouragement,
he
learns confidence.
If
a child lives with praise,
he
learns to appreciate.
If
a child lives with fairness,
he
learns justice.
I
f a child lives with security,
he
learns to have faith.
If
a child lives with approval,
he
learns to like himself.
If
a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
he
learns to find love in the world.
Philosophy
Enjoy
your children NOW.
§
Let them
know they don’t have to earn your love.
§
Cherish
every day and let your children know you love them just because they are
themselves and are special.
Accept your children’s individuality.
§
Respect
each one’s special talents, qualities, feelings, dreams, goals, privacy,
problems, and struggles.
Feelings
and behavior are different things.
§
All feelings
can be accepted, but it is important to set limits on behavior.
§
Recognize
your children’s ambivalent feelings, and help them express feelings in a
constructive way.
Be an ally,
not a critic.
§
No one is
perfect, so we can’t expect perfection from our children.
§
Accept
your own and your children’s mistakes and view them as opportunities to learn
and grow.
§
Keep in
mind the child’s developmental stage and adjust your expectations to it.
§
Young children are impulsive and concrete.
Be sure you have your child’s attention and that he understands what
you are saying when you are asking him to do something or giving him
information.
Show confidence in your children’s
ability to create their own solutions.
§
When they
have a problem, be their consultant, not their boss.
§
Listen,
support, and help them discover and weigh alternatives and consequences.
Discipline
fairly.
§
Keep
rules reasonable, enforceable, and well-explained.
§
Be
consistent in your disciplinary methods.
§
Use words
which tell the child what you expect.
§
Use Time
Out and Logical and Natural Consequences instead of yelling and physical
punishment.
Be flexible
and able to compromise.
§
Give
yourself time to think.
§
Be aware
of your own personal issues and feelings, and don’t project them onto your
child.
§
Don’t
overreact. Keep an objective
perspective and give the child’s problem, incident, or behavior the importance
it deserves.
Express
your values.
§
Be a good
role model for caring, communication, morals, and relationships.
§
Notice
your children carrying out good behavior and let them know what you like about
their actions.
§
Promote
empathy. Discuss the effects of
their behavior on others.
Making a Difference
Once there was an old man walking
along a beach with his grandson.
The boy picked up each starfish they passed and threw it back into the ocean.
“If I left them here,” said the
boy, “they would dry up and die. I’m
saving their lives.”
The old man said, “But the beach
goes on
for miles, and there are millions of starfish. What
you’re doing won’t make any difference."
The boy looked at the starfish in his
hand, threw it in the water, and answered,
“It
makes a difference to this one.”
Attitude
The longer I live, the more I realize the
impact of attitude on life.
Attitude, to me, is more important than
facts. It is more important than the
past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failure, than
successes, than what other people think or say or do.
It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill.
It will make or break a company…a church…a home.
The remarkable thing is we have a choice
every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.
We cannot change our past…we cannot change the inevitable.
The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is
our attitude.
I am convinced that life is 10% what happens
to me and 90% how I react to it. And
so it is with you. We are in charge
of our Attitudes.
Charles Swindoll
Whose
Problem Is It?
When the Child Has A Problem
These problems occur when things are not going right in
the child's own life, with emotions or relationships with others (excluding the
parent). School difficulties,
sadness, anger, and disputes with siblings or peers are all examples of the
child owning the problem. Children
need someone to care, listen, and empathize with them so that they can be in
touch with their own feelings and decide on the most effective steps to resolve
their struggles.
Strategies:
Communication
¨
Use active listening to pay attention with one's ears and heart.
¨
Use open-ended questions that encourage the child to talk.
¨
Accept all feelings, even negative ones such as anger.
¨
Reflect back feelings.
“Sounds
like you were really sad about that.”
“That
made you so angry!”
“It feels really bad when someone hurts your feelings.”
¨
Empathize with the child’s predicament.
“It’s a real challenge to solve that problem.”
“Learning to ride a bike can be frustrating at times.”
¨
Instead of giving advice or doing things FOR the child, allow the
child to take responsibility for solving his own problems.
“What do you think would help you accomplish what you want?”
“How do you think you might tackle that problem?”
When It’s the
Parent’s Problem
In these situations, the
parent wants the child to change a particular behavior, whether it's homework,
bedtime, cleaning his room, etc.
Strategies:
Communication
¨
I-Messages
Assertive
ways of stating parent needs
¨
Be directive, not destructive
Stay
away from "don't"; state requests positively; avoid criticism
Pay attention to good behavior
Reinforce the behaviors you like rather than just
criticizing the ones
you don't like.
Choices and Consequences
Empower
children to make their own decisions while considering the consequences of their
actions.
¨
Natural Consequences
Allow the child to experience the natural outcomes
when he does something inappropriate.
¨
Logical Consequences
Let your actions guide
the child in connecting consequences with behaviors.
¨
Time Out
Remove
the child from positive reinforcement and in order to allow time to cool off and
think.
Problem Solve
Take
steps to work with the child to resolve conflicts in a way that all sides win.
Everything
we do in our relationships with children is a form of communication.
Our words as well as our tone of voice, facial expression, and body
language are powerful influences in a child’s life.
Our communication with children can send messages of respect, empathy,
and caring; it can also convey the opposite.
Active listening, encouraging children to discuss their feelings, and
using positive descriptive language are ways in which we let children know that
they can confide in us. In addition,
our communication is a model for children to emulate in learning to communicate
with others, solve problems, be assertive, and be compassionate and sensitive
listeners.
Communication
Use positive body
language.
§
Let them
know you care and are paying total attention.
Listen
more than you talk.
§
This is
why we have two ears and only one mouth.
§
Encourage
them to elaborate. Let them finish.
§
Listen
respectfully without judging.
§
Use
active listening and open-ended questions.
§
Resist
giving advice. Avoid lecturing and
blaming.
§
Listen to
the meaning behind the words they are saying.
§
Encourage
them to work out their problems, but be a supportive listener as they struggle
to do so.
Give specific
positive feedback rather than general praise.
§
Notice
and comment on specific talents and behaviors that the child does well rather
than labeling the child as “good.”
§
Avoid
“backhanded praise,” such as, “You did this well, BUT…”
§
When your
child does something you don’t like, avoid labeling.
Give specific feedback about what you would rather see your child do.
§
Use more
“do” language than “don’t” language.
e.g.
“Please close the door gently,” rather than “Don’t
slam the door.”
Communicating with your Children
The
parent-child relationship is one of the most rewarding and pleasurable
experiences that exists. It is also
one of the most difficult and complex. Like
any relationship, it is fraught with frustration, unrealistic expectations, and
often just simple misunderstanding as a result of poor communication.
We communicate in order to convey our
thoughts, feelings, and ideas to another. We
want someone else to understand our viewpoint, to listen to what we say, and to
move toward resolution.
If a problem can’t be resolved, then each person at
least deserves respect for how and what he/she believes.
What parents usually want is for their children to do what they ask
without too much confrontation. What
children usually want is for their parents to simply listen to them.
Here are some “simple” guidelines that may help
parents get their requests met more regularly:
·
The way to build self-esteem
in your child and enhance your relationship is to remember that he/she simply
wants to be 1) listened to, 2) taken seriously, and 3) loved and accepted
unconditionally.
·
When
praising your child, zero
in on the effort, not necessarily the achievement.
We often give too much credit for the end result without recognizing how
difficult it is to get there.
·
Don’t
judge your children. Respect
their views and differences and allow them to express their own ideas and
feelings. Respect individuality,
independence, and privacy.
·
Don’t
keep bringing up the past or
allow it to affect the present.
Using terms like “always”, “never”, or “ever” simply
antagonize children. Saying, “You’re
always late” or “You never do what
you’re told” only helps to reinforce negative behaviors that you’re
trying to change. It’s called
self-fulfilling prophecy. If
children hear something often enough, they begin to believe it about themselves.
·
Feelings
are just that—feelings. They are not good or bad, right or wrong, so don’t
argue with your children when they tell you how they feel.
Don’t dismiss or discount their feelings as unimportant.
Don’t belittle, humiliate, or laugh at your children.
When you broke up with that very special boy/girlfriend, you may remember
hearing, “There are other fish in the
sea.” “It was only puppy love.” “You’ll get over it.”
At that moment, what you were feeling was very real.
Try to remember the same is true for your children.
·
Listen,
listen, listen. To be a good listener, you must want to hear what
your children have to say and believe that what they say is important.
Listen to their feelings, not just their words.
Show with your body language, eye and physical contact that you are
listening. Smile when it’s
appropriate, nod to show you are listening, ask questions that reflect your
interest or help clarify a point to eliminate misunderstanding.
Paraphrase, and don’t interpret, interrupt, or become distracted.
By actively listening, you increase your child’s feelings of
self-respect and self-worth.
·
Be
askable.
Be open to discuss any subject that your child wants to talk about.
If you want your children to make good, moral decisions, they must have
enough information.
·
Listen
to your tone of voice.
You only turn them off when you yell, whine, demand, or preach.
·
Don’t
nag or keep repeating the same request. Saying the same things over
and over again doesn’t encourage your child to comply.
Explain the request and why it is important to you.
Remind your child once—maybe twice.
If there isn’t a response, then take appropriate action.
Be sure discipline matches the actual behavior.
·
Clarify
your expectations.
Children are not mind-readers; they cannot possibly know what’s
expected of them unless you make the message clear.
·
When
you criticize, point
out the specific behavior you dislike. Don’t
be vague. Be sure your youngster
understands that it is not that you dislike him/her, but the behavior
which is exhibited. For example, “I’m
very upset because you didn’t keep your word about calling when you couldn’t
be home by curfew,” versus “I’m
very angry with you.”
·
Every
time you judge, you
close down, hold on too tight, or invade their space, you shut your children
down further until they stop wanting to talk with you and eventually stop
wanting even to be with you.
·
Stay
with the present and
deal with only one issue at a time. If
you ”throw in the kitchen sink” every time you’re angry, the result will
be that your child won’t hear anything you say.
·
When
a child has a problem or
gets into trouble, losing your temper or overreacting only makes him feel worse.
Hear him out first; then show love and understanding rather than violence
or anger. The appropriate discipline
can follow later.
·
Respect
your child’s opinion even
though it probably will be different from yours most of the time.
(Wasn’t yours different from your parents’?)
·
Conduct
family meetings at
least once a week. This is an
opportunity to clear the air, allowing everyone to voice complaints, hurts, and
requests without fear of repercussion. These
meetings can dispose of any ill feelings—rather than allowing them to be
stored away waiting to pop up at any time.
·
Make
listening a priority. Create
a time to be alone with your child. Put
everything else aside. The message
that your child will hear is, ”I love
you enough to listen to you.”
·
When
a problem arises, first
clarify your involvement in the incident or situation, decide whose problem it
is, own the behavior, and then state your wishes and requests.
For example: When you are
unhappy about the way your child
keeps her room, whose problem is it? (If
it were your child’s, she would keep the room clean.)
If you customarily say something like, “Your
room looks like a pigsty. You should
be ashamed of yourself. You can’t
possibly find anything in there. Don’t
you have any self-respect?” you may have noticed by now that your child
does not run and clean the room and keep it like that forever after.
Right? The “you”
statement assigns the problem to someone else and puts your child on the
defensive. Remember it is not her
problem, it’s yours.
·
Next
time, use an “I” statement—own
the problem. For example: “Son,
I want you to know that I’m feeling badly about the way the house has looked
lately. I try hard to make this a
home we can all be proud of. I’m
also tired after work and I don’t need additional work.
What I do need is some help from you in keeping your own room cleaner.
Could you help me out and keep your room more tidy?
I’ll help if you want me to and I’m available.
Okay?”
These are just a few suggestions on how to enhance,
improve, and enjoy your relationship with your children.
It’s not easy to change overnight—but you will be the ones to benefit
in the long run. And
“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve
always gotten.” You no longer
want what you’ve always gotten. What
you do want is the respect you deserve, and the loving relationship you’ve
always hoped to have with your children. It
can be yours with just a little work.
Adapted
from Patricia Kramer, Family Resource
Coalition Report. 1990,
#1.
Reprinted by Parenting Education Center.
Listen
When
I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving advice,
you have not done what I asked.
When
I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why
I shouldn’t feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When
I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something
to solve my problem, you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.
Listen!
All I asked is that you listen,
not talk or do – just hear me.
I
can do it for myself; I’m not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering,
but not helpless.
When
you do something for me
that I can and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and weakness.
But,
when you accept as a simple fact that
I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational,
then I can quit trying to convince you
and can get about the business of understanding
what’s behind this irrational feeling.
And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious,
and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand
what’s behind them.
So
please just hear me. And if you want
to talk,
wait a minute for your turn, and I’ll listen to you.
Anonymous
Empathic
Listening
Helps the child feel:
accepted, not alone, stronger
Remove Sources of Interference
§
other activities
§
external noise and movement
§
your own anticipatory thoughts
§
your own personal stress
Respond
to Feelings, Not Information
Encourage the Child to Talk
§
Listen;
don’t talk too much
§
Prompts
“Tell me more.” “Go
on.”
§
Empathic Leads
“That must have been embarrassing for you.”
§
Restate
or Paraphrase
§
Use
Self-Disclosure
But not too much to shift the focus off the other person
§
Clarify
“It sounds like you are saying…”
“Do you mean…?”
§
Validate
Compliment: “You’re the
kind of person who…”
Avoid Discouraging Words and Actions
§
Advice
Usually the child just wants you to listen.
Avoid giving advice unless the child asks for it.
§
Self-Reference
Don’t impose your values or tell the child what you
would do in the
same situation.
§
Non-Verbal
Rejection
Avoiding eye contact, yawning, distractibility
§
Attacks
or Put-Downs
§
Denying
Feelings
“You really don’t feel angry.”
§
Inappropriate
Humor
Adapted from Dr.
Bruce Baldwin, Direction Dynamics, Wilmington, NC.
Accepting
Feelings
In order to
help children deal with their emotions, parents need to accept and respect the feelings of children.
¨
Listen quietly and attentively
with full attention.
¨
Acknowledge feelings with a word.
Instead of questions
("Why did
you do that then?")
and
advice ("Why don't you…?")
Respond with words like
"Oh… Mmm… I see…"
¨
Give the feeling a name.
Instead of denying the feeling ("That's nothing to get upset about"), name the feeling.
"That sounds
frustrating!" "That must
have been a shock."
"You must
miss him."
When we urge a child to push a negative emotion away,
however kindly, the child only seems to get more upset.
The child who hears her feelings described in specific words is deeply
comforted. Someone has acknowledged
her inner experience.
¨
Give the child his wishes in
fantasy.
Instead of explanations and logic, say,
"I
wish there was a magic pill
I
could give you so you'd understand all these math problems!"
¨
Convey that all feelings can be
accepted. Certain actions must be
limited.
"I
can see how angry you are. Tell your
friend what you want in words, not fists."
Adapted
from Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, How
to Talk So Kids Can Learn, 1995.
Open
Questions
An OPEN
question
¨
Can’t be answered by one or two words
¨
Usually
starts with “how” or “what”
¨
Encourages
the person to talk
A CLOSED question
¨
Can be
answered by “yes” or “no” or one word
¨
Discourages
the person from talking
¨
Slows the
flow of conversation
DO
DON’T
Keep
questions clear and simple.
Ask long, complicated questions.
Keep questions in the present.
Ask “why…?”
Uses
of Open Questions
1.
Beginning
a Conversation
“What’s
going on with you?” “How are
things going with you?”
2. Clarifying and Elaborating
“What do you
mean by_____?”
“How is this
a problem for you?”
“What is it about the situation that bothers you?”
3. Working with Feelings
“How
do you feel about that?” “What
is that like for you now?”
4. Problem-Solving
“What options do you have?
"What
do you think might work best?”
“What’s the best/worst thing that could happen?”
“When are some times that the problem doesn’t happen?
"What’s
different about these times?”
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Updated:
4/05/2005
