Anger is a normal emotion that both adults and children often experience.  Helping children become aware of their feelings, both the positive as well as the negative ones like anger and sadness, is the first step toward teaching self-control.   Labeling and accepting the feeling of anger communicates to children they are entitled to their emotions.  What is important is to set limits about how they can express that anger, not through hurtful words or actions but through assertive words and non-injurious actions.  This chapter will discuss how adults as well as children can handle their anger in nonviolent ways which do not harm their relationships with others.


 

Are You  Losing Your Temper

With Your Child?

 

 

1.     Take a deep breath.  And another. 

Then remember you are the adult.

 

2.     Close your eyes and imagine you’re hearing what your child is about to hear.

 

3.     Press your lips together and count to 20.  Or better yet, to 50.

 

4.     Put your child in a Time Out chair.

 

5.     Put yourself in Time Out.  Remove yourself from the situation.  Think about why you are angry.  Is it really because of your child’s actions, or is he simply a convenient target for your anger?

 

6.     Phone or visit a friend.

 

7.     If someone is available to watch the children, go outside and take a walk.

 

8.      Take a hot bath or splash cold water on your face.

 

9.     Turn on some music.  Maybe even dance or sing.

 

10.            Write down as many helpful words as you can think of and

save the list.

 

Adapted from:  The Parent Connection

Hampton Roads ( Virginia ) Committee to Prevent Child Abuse


There Are More Effective Ways

to Discipline A Child Than Hitting

 

Hitting sets a bad example.

Hitting offers a poor role model for handling conflict.  Children learn from watching their parents.  Spanking does not teach the appropriate behavior.  If a parent teaches a child that it is OK to hit, the child is then given permission to hit others:  siblings, peers, etc.  If a parent hits a child, he is sending a message that physical force can be used to get what one wants.

 

Hitting is a form of violence.

Children should never be hit with objects such as belts, wooden spoons, sticks, etc.  Even threatening to beat a child invokes fear and is a form of violence.  It diminishes a child’s self-esteem to be hit in any way.

 

Hitting does not help children learn self-discipline or inner control.

When children are hit, they feel a variety of negative emotions which impede learning.  When children are busy feeling pain, resentment, fear and humiliation, they cannot concentrate on the lesson to be learned.  They comply out of fear and discontinue the unwanted behavior only to evade punishment, but they do not internalize the rules and reasons behind them.  The child becomes sneaky and avoids the parent, thereby damaging the relationship.

 

Hitting confuses children.

When parents say, “I’m only doing this because I love you,” or “This hurts me more than it hurts you,” while hitting a child, the child confuses love and pain and forms a connection between love and violence.

 

Hitting perpetuates a vicious cycle.

Hitting leads to hostility, anger, and the desire for revenge.  As the child grows older, the spanking must become more severe to have the effect of stopping behavior.  Statistics show that children who are hit by their parents often grow up to be adults who beat their partners or children.

 

Control your anger!

Use words and consequences instead of physical punishment. 

Your children will learn better and respect you more.


What is Child Abuse?

 

Rather than giving legalistic definitions which may change according to time and jurisdiction, below are listed the descriptions for what constitutes each of the four types of child maltreatment.

 

Physical Abuse

 

Infliction of physical injury as a result of punching, beating, kicking, biting, burning, shaking, or otherwise harming a child.  Severe discipline such as spanking or hitting which leaves bruises that last over 24 hours or whipping with a cord or belt which leaves welts are also considered abuse.

 

Sexual Abuse

 

The child is used for the sexual gratification of an older child or an adult.

If a child is uncomfortable with a certain type of touch, it is sexual abuse.

Any sexual activity between a child and a caregiver is sexual abuse.

 

Physical contact

--adult fondles child's genitalia or forces child to fondle abuser

--penetration

Non-touching sexual offenses

--indecent exposure

--exposing a child to pornographic material or sexual acts

Sexual exploitation

--engaging a child for the purposes of prostitution

--using a child for pornography

 

Emotional/Mental/Verbal Abuse

 

Constant belittling, blaming, or rejection of the child

Terrorizing, threatening harsh punishment or to send the child away

Refusal to provide basic nurturance

Exposing a child to corruption including drug abuse, criminal behavior, etc.

 

Child Neglect

 

Failure to provide for a child's basic needs, physically, emotionally, medically, or educationally, or to provide supervision for a young child

 

Adapted from National Clearinghouse on Child Abuse and Neglect

Stress Management Techniques

 

Look at the positives.

·        Celebrate small things, be grateful; smile.

·        Always have something to look forward to.

 

Put things in perspective.

·        Develop realistic goals.

·        Prioritize; organize; use time management.

·        What is really important?  Be sure you have time for that.

·        Ask yourself, “Is this really worth doing?”

 

Be flexible and adaptable.

·        Problem-solve; compromise.

·        Give up rigid definitions, “shoulds” and perfectionism.

·        Expect that things MAY go wrong;  always have an alternate plan.

·        Bloom where you’re planted—adjust to your present situation.

 

Let go of anger and hostility.

·        Use humor.  Laughter is truly the best medicine.

·        Be gentle with yourself; be your own best friend.

 

Practice wellness.

·        Have good nutrition, exercise, relaxation.

·        Give up bad habits.

(smoking, drugs, eating junk food, poor sleeping habits)

·        Learn something new, take up a hobby, do things you enjoy.

·        Go outside – get fresh air and sunshine.

 

Develop social support.

·        Be with people who make you feel good.

·        Think of your family and your coworkers as your teammates.

·        Be a good listener.

·        Talk about your feelings.

 

Change what you can and accept what you can’t.

·        Be assertive when you can change the problem.

·        Adjust when you can’t change the problem--change your reaction to it.

"The difference between an adventure and an inconvenience is a state of mind."

                            

Managing Stress in Children

 

Parents can help children self-soothe and handle stress, anxiety, anger, and sadness.

 

Relaxation

§         Close eyes and relax body

§         Quieting response, calming, breathing

§         Progressive relaxation--flex and relax each muscle group from toes to face

 

Imagery

§         Close eyes and do calm breathing.

§         Imagine a peaceful place; take a journey there.

§         Help the child imagine his/her ideal self.

 

Cognitive Strategies

§         Change the belief about the incident.

“It's not so bad; there's a reason for this; it could be worse.”

§         Help the child use positive self-talk and affirmations (e.g. "I can cope with this.")

 

Positive, Goal-Oriented Statements

§         Help children focus on ultimate goals and steps toward those goals. 

§         Assume that the future will be better.

§         "What do you want?  How will you get there?" 

§         Help them envision what things will be like when they reach their goals.

 

Conflict Resolution

§         Use problem-solving and decision-making strategies to help the child examine choices and alternative solutions.

 

Bibliotherapy

§         Use books, stories, and even movies to help children discuss problem issues.

 

“What if”

§         Make up an imaginary child with similar problem.

§         Brainstorm solutions--"What would you do in her place?"

 

Expressive Modalities

§         Art

§         Stories—have children write their own true or imaginary stories

§         Keep journals of feelings and events

§         Puppets, drama, role-playing

§         Music        

 
Dealing with the Angry Child

 

Handling children's anger can be puzzling, draining, and distressing for adults. In fact, one of the major problems in dealing with anger in children is the angry feelings that are often stirred up in us. Our goal is not to repress or destroy angry feelings in children--or in ourselves--but rather to accept the feelings and to help channel and direct them to constructive ends.

 

Adults should distinguish between anger and aggression.  Anger is a temporary state caused by frustration; aggression is often an attempt to hurt a person or to destroy property.  Try to look beneath the anger and aggression to the underlying emotions.  Anger may be a defense to avoid painful feelings; it may be associated with failure, low self-esteem, and feelings of isolation; or it may be related to anxiety about situations over which the child has no control.  Angry defiance may be associated with sadness and depression. 

 

In dealing with angry children, adults' actions should be motivated by the need to protect and to reach, not by a desire to punish.  Show a child that all feelings are accepted, but suggest other ways to cope with and express these feelings. 

 

 

   

The following are some suggestions for responding to the angry child:

 

·        Respond to positive efforts and reinforce good behavior.

Tell the child which behaviors please you.

 

·        Deliberately ignore inappropriate behavior that can be tolerated.

 

·        Provide physical outlets and other alternatives.

 

·        Manipulate the surroundings.  Plan the environment so that problem activities are less likely to happen.

 

·        Use closeness and touching.

 

·        Be ready to show affection.

 

·        Ease tension through humor.

 

·        Appeal directly to the child.  Explain situations.

 

·        Build a positive self-image.  Encourage children to see their strengths as well as their weaknesses.

 

·        Tell the child that you accept his or her angry feelings, but offer other suggestions for expressing them.

 

·        Teach children to express themselves verbally.

 

·        Use punishment cautiously.

 

·        Model appropriate behavior, including anger management.

 

Adapted from Luleen S. Anderson, "The Aggressive Child," in Children Today (Jan-Feb 1978) published by the Children's Bureau , U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.


Handling Anger

 

Anger is a feeling that all children experience.  An infant’s hungry cry, a toddler’s temper tantrum, a preschooler’s angry push, a school-ager’s hurtful taunt, or a teenager’s hostility are all vivid reminders that anger is no stranger to childhood.  Anger is part of life.  Sometimes life hurts.  Sometimes life is not fair.  All children will experience anger in one way or another.  And all children will learn how to cope with their anger—sometimes in a way that is “helpful” and sometimes in a way that is “hurtful.”

 

What we hope children learn:

 

·        To express anger nonviolently:  It is OK to feel angry, but it is not OK to hurt someone because we were angry.

·        To recognize angry feelings in themselves and others

·        To learn how to control angry impulses

·        To learn self-calming techniques

·        To communicate angry feelings in a positive way

·        To learn how to problem solve

·        To learn how to remove themselves from a violent or angry situation

·        To learn how to avoid being a victim of someone else’s angry actions

 

Taking charge of angry feelings

 

Learning how to “take charge” of angry feelings is an extremely important lifelong skill.  Caring adults can help children learn how to handle anger in ways that are effective and helpful.

 

“Taking charge” of angry feelings means developing coping skills that can be used for different situations.  Different things work for different children.  Parents can help children cope with anger by teaching them to

·        relax

·        communicate

·        problem solve

·        change their environment, and

·        look for humor

 

Learn to relax

 

Anger elicits a very physical response from most children.  Muscles tense, hearts pound, and stomach aches may develop.  Children can be taught to recognize these physical reactions and can learn how to relax.  One of the best ways to cope with a harmful physical response to anger is by doing something else physical. 

 

Help children calm their anger by using the five senses:  touching, smelling, tasting, hearing, and seeing.  Squeezing clay, splashing in water, running around outside, listening to music, painting a picture, tensing and relaxing muscles, taking slow deep breaths, or eating a healthy snack are all good responses to angry feelings.

 

Children who respond well to touch can be taught how to massage their own neck or arms in a self-calming technique.  These same children also may find a great deal of comfort in stroking or caring for a pet.

 

Learn to communicate

 

Children can be taught to express or communicate their feelings in a variety of ways.  For some children this may mean talking things over with a friend or caring adult.  A stuffed animal or family pet also can be a good listener.

 

Children often explode in anger, yet not be able to tell you what their anger is all about.  This may be because their abilities to reason and think through things logically are often not well developed yet.

 

Teach children to identify their angry feelings by using the following statement:  I feel_____ when______because_______.  For example, “I feel angry when Martha calls me names because it embarrasses me.”

 

The idea here is to help children realize that there are always hidden feelings and actions beneath angry emotions.  In the example above, being embarrassed and humiliated prompted angry feelings.  Learning to recognize the hidden emotions behind anger is an important first step in learning how to resolve anger.

 

Some children may also find it difficult to use words to get what they need.  Learning to say “please” and “thank you” are big steps for some children.  Other children have even greater difficulty asking for help or asking other children if they want to play.  Still others need to learn how to be assertive when another child bullies them.

 

 

 

Learn to solve problems

 

Older preschool and school-age children can be taught to problem solve as a “prevention” tool for getting angry.  Adults can coach children through the problem solving steps:

1)     stop the action, especially if someone is about to get hurt

2)     listen to each other with your eyes and ears

3)     name the problem

4)     think of different ways to solve the problem

5)     choose a win-win plan that meets everyone’s needs

6)     carry out the plan

7)     evaluate how well the plan worked

 

Most young children will need adult help in thinking through this process.  And this does take time.  The advantage, however, is that after doing this process over and over, young children soon will become fairly good at identifying a problem and coming up with different options for solving the problem on their own.  A child that has lots of practice in thinking of different ways to solve a problem is much more likely to solve a conflict in a positive way.

 

Learn to change your environment

 

Children can be taught to change their environment.  Sometimes in an angry situation it is best to walk away until everyone can cool off.  Encourage children to remove themselves from the situation if their strong feelings are getting out of control.  Help them identify special “cooling off” places where they can be safe and regain control.

 

Adults also can help to structure the overall environment so that it promotes good behaviors.  Clean, orderly rooms and regular routines go a long way in creating a peaceful atmosphere.  Chaotic schedules and cluttered environments often leave children feeling confused and frustrated.

 

Look for humor

 

Humor is a great antidote for anger.  Whenever possible, help children to see the humor in a tense situation.  Responding to an angry outburst in a calm way will often help diffuse the anger.  Learning to laugh or joke about your own anger helps children put things in perspective.

 

Parents get angry too!

 

Of course, parents get angry.  And remember it’s OK to get angry; just be sure that your anger doesn’t take over.  Use the opportunity to show your children positive ways to deal with anger.  Teaching by example is an extremely important parenting tool.

 

Identify your own angry feelings.  Children quickly sense when you are angry.  Saying, “I’m mad, I’m upset, I’m feeling really angry,” teaches children how to talk about their own anger.

 

Explain why you are angry.  Remember that young children often think that they are somehow the cause of your anger.  A statement like, “I am really angry that the car won’t start,” helps children understand what is really behind your anger.

 

Deal with anger in a positive way.  Saying to children, “I am really angry about that broken lamp, and I am going to take a few minutes to calm down and then we will talk about what happened,” sets a good example.

 

Is it OK to fight in front of the kids?

 

No family is an oasis of peace and harmony.  All families have disagreements and arguments from time to time.  Watching parents argue can sometimes be a little scary for children, but seeing them resolve their differences in positive ways can offer tremendous stability and security.

 

Children should not be an audience for physical violence or extremely hostile arguments between parents.  The impact of witnessing this kind of anger can have serious effects on children.

 

Chronic anger

 

Sometimes anger gets in the way of normal everyday living.  When anger is extremely intense or is happening too frequently, it may be time to get help.  A divorce, an abusive experience, a job loss, or a death all can trigger extreme anger.  To make matters worse, sometimes these same difficult situations may unearth past feelings of hurt and anger that were thought to be buried long ago.

 

Ongoing anger feeds on itself and can be extremely destructive for families.  If things get too out of hand, you may want to consider seeking the guidance and support of a counselor or family therapist.

 

National Network for Child Care

Oesterreich, L. Getting Along:  Brothers and Sisters. 

Ames, Iowa:  Iowa State University Extension.  1996.


 

 

 

Special Issues
 

 

 

 

 

 

Children with special needs such as disabilities, learning difficulties, Attention Deficit Disorder, and slow-to-warm-up or difficult temperaments require special parenting techniques.  Use other resources, such as the Internet or local professionals, to learn more about these kinds of children and how to parent them.

 


Temperament Dimensions

 

 

Adaptability                          Adjustment to change; flexibility

 

Persistence/Attention     Tendency to continue an activity

until finished

 

Distractibility              How easily drawn away from activity

 

Regularity                 Predictability of patterns of behavior

 

Activity                                How active – high or low

 

Approach/withdrawal      First response to something new

 

Reactivity & Intensity      Threshold and energy level of response

 

Mood                                         Positive or negative

 

 

Temperament Clusters

 

Easy/Flexible   

·        Regular in biological functions

·        Adapts quickly to change

·        Takes approaching response to new things

·        Pleasant, positive mood

·        Low intensity

 

Slow to Warm Up

·        Fearful, shy

·        Withdraws from new experiences

·        Adapts slowly to new situations

·        Once secure, then takes positive approach

 

Difficult/Feisty   

·        Irregular biological functions

·        Withdraws from new people and places

·        Adapts slowly to change

·        Often fussy or moody

·        Tends to react intensely

·        Very active

 

Intervention Techniques
for Different Temperaments

 

Slow to Warm Up

 

·       Prepare the child for change.

·       Draw the child in slowly.

·       Allow independence to unfold.

·       Help the child experience new activities.

·       Set up an environment where things are in the same place everyday.

·       Establish a routine; provide security.

 

Difficult Child

 

·       Recognize and emphasize feelings.

·       Set firm limits.

·       Use redirection.

·       Prepare the child for change.

·       Allow freedom of choice.

·       Be flexible—you adapt.

·       Provide peace and calm.

·       Provide areas for vigorous play for very active children.

 

Adapted from Stanley Turecki. The Difficult Child. 1985.

The Shy Child

 

Shy children are generally gentle, introverted and creative.  Shyness is often an inherited temperamental quality, but it can also result from parenting style, family conflicts, learning or speech problems, adjustment to a new school, poor self-image, or peer ridicule.  Shyness can be an adaptive response to a potentially threatening new situation, but it becomes maladaptive when it interferes with the child's social life or school performance.  When fears of criticism or making a mistake or of taking any risks become overwhelming, or when the introverted child becomes isolated from peers, the shy child needs help.  This withdrawal may result in loneliness and create a vicious cycle of rejection by peers.

 

What parents can do

 

§        Accept the whole child.  Shyness is only one aspect of the child.

§        Speak slowly and softly.  Give the child time to respond to a question.

§        Build self-esteem so that the child acquires the security and self-confidence to take risks and enter new situations.  Highlight strengths but not over-enthusiastically or too publicly lest it embarrass the child. 

§        Encourage the child to participate in activities in which he/she shows interest and talent.  Art, sports, working behind the scenes in drama productions, scouting, and other extracurricular activities offer the child areas in which to excel.

§        Gently urge the child to become involved but don't force participation.

§        Let the child help younger children or constructively contribute in other ways.

§        Reinforce positive social skills and appropriate social interaction with peers.

§        Show empathy when the child is hesitant to enter a new situation.  "Sometimes it's hard to try something new right away, but I'm sure you'll be ready in a little while."

§        Allow the shy child to warm up to a new situation.  Give forewarning, opportunities for rehearsal, and time to adjust.  Be patient.

§       Help other children accept the shy child.  Encourage the shy child to have one-on-one or small group play dates with others who may accept her.



Handling Grief in Children

 

Cognitive views of death depend on culture and the developmental stage of children.

 

Preschool children are preoccupied with the biological details of death.  After viewing many violent cartoons, they may see death as temporary and reversible.

 

After age 6, children gradually begin to understand that death is irreversible, but they may comprehend death as "someone who comes to get you in the night" and develop nighttime fears (fear of the dark or nightmares).   Realization occurs that death is inevitable for others and themselves.  When someone close to them dies, children may become overly concerned about their own health and exhibit psychosomatic complaints or worry about the pain and suffering which precede death.  Often they experience anxiety about their parents dying and abandoning them. Youngsters may exhibit magical thinking and feel responsible for the death because at some time they wished harm to the deceased.  Guilty feelings result from these cognitive distortions or from the belief that if they were only "better," the deceased would not have died or that the child should have prevented the death in some way.

 

 

Suggestions

 

§       Offer explanations consistent with the child's cognitive and emotional ability to comprehend.

§       Don't refer to death as "sleep" or a "journey."  

This may cause fear of sleeping or travel.

§       Allow children to process death in their own way and at their own speed.

Don't be alarmed if the child is not very upset at the beginning. 

  He/she may be in denial and not believe the death is real.

      Allow for a delayed grief reaction.

      Sadness may not be the only feeling displayed by the child. 

  It is also normal to show anger and aggressiveness.

§       Encourage (but don't force) the child to talk about feelings and ask questions.

§       Discuss memories of the deceased--positive and negative.

§       Allow the child to draw, play, or act out feelings about death.

Writing a letter to the deceased or carrying out other rituals

  provides a sense of closure.

§       Reassure children that they will always be taken care of and

           will not be abandoned.

§       Prepare children for the funeral and rituals related to death. 

Help them understand what to expect.

§       Adults dealing with the child need to examine their own feelings about death.

                                     

Learning Disabilities

 

Learning Disabilities affect people’s ability to either interpret what they see and hear or to connect information from different parts of the brain.  Some people with Learning Disabilities have difficulty expressing themselves verbally or in written form in an organized manner.

 

v    Learning disabled children have near average, average, or above average intelligence.  They are not mentally retarded.

 

v    Learning disabled children have specific problems in reading, spelling or math; many more than we would expect based on our general impressions of their capabilities.

 

v    Learning disabled children show puzzling unevenness in functioning.  They may be very talented in one area but have difficulties in others.

 

v    Learning disabled children do not have significant hearing, visual, or emotional problems as the main reason for their not learning.

 

v    Learning disabilities result from dysfunction within the central nervous system rather than from poor teaching, poor home environment, trauma, and primary emotional problems.

 

v    Learning disabled children are able to learn but often need special help.

 

v    Learning disabilities are not the only reason for children doing poorly in school.  Other kinds of problems include extended absences, gaps in education due to refugee status, moving from school to school, etc.



Learning Disabilities:  Who is This Child?

 

 

v    This is an intelligent child who fails at school.

 

v    This is the elementary school child who writes 41 for 14, p for d or b, and can't remember the sequence of letters that make up a word.

 

v    This is the child who hears the dog barking, the truck honking, but doesn't hear the teacher talking.

 

v    This is the child who forgets names of people, places, things, his own

address and telephone number, but does remember the ads on TV.

 

v    This is the child who loses her homework, misplaces her book, doesn't know what day it is, or what year, or what season.

 

v    This is the child who calls breakfast "lunch," who is confused by "yesterday," "today," and "tomorrow," and whose timing is always off.

 

v    This is child with the messy room, the shirttail hanging out, the shoelaces undone, the child who attracts dirt like a magnet.

 

v    This is the child who doesn't look where he's going, who bumps into the door, trips on his own feet, and doesn't look at the person talking to him.

 

v    This is the child who has trouble lining up, who can't keep her hands off the child in front of her, who doesn't stop talking, who giggles too much and laughs the loudest.

 

v    This is the child who says whatever pops into her head.

v    This is the child who can't tolerate making the smallest mistake, who explodes at the slightest frustration, who tunes out in mid-conversation.

 

v    This is the child who says, "I don't care" or "I won't" when he really means "I can't," who would rather be called bad than stupid.

 

v    This is the child who can't picture things in his mind, who can't visualize or remember what he sees.

 

v    This is the older child whose language comes out jumbled, who stops and starts in the middle of a sentence or an idea, who juxtaposes letters or sounds in speech.

 

v    This is the child who skips words or adds others when he is reading aloud.

 

v    This is the child who can't keep a friend, who prefers to play with children younger than herself.

 

v    This is the expert strategist in checkers or chess but can't understand a riddle or joke.

 

v    This is the child who can talk about life on Mars but can't add 2+2.

 

v    This is the child who rushes headlong into his work, is the first one finished and has done all the problems wrong.

 

v    This is the child who doesn't want to go to school, who develops stomach pains, fevers, headaches instead.

 

v    This is the child who can add and multiply but not subtract or divide.  He can do math in his head but can't write it down.

 

v    This is the child who can't follow directions.

 

v    This is the child who can't tell you what has just been said.

 

v   This is the child who can remember what she hears but not what she sees.

 

Adapted from Sally Smith, No Easy Answers: The Learning Disabled Child at Home and at School. 1995.


             


Characteristics of the Learning Disabled Child

 

 

v    Erratic, inconsistent; good days and bad days

 

v    Short attention span; distractibility

 

v    Works very slowly; doesn't finish work on time

 

v    Careless, hurries, writes or blurts out answers without thinking

 

v    Poorly organized, desk is messy, loses things, disorganized in work habits

 

v    Low frustration tolerance; gives up easily or explodes

 

v    Trouble following directions, particularly long series of instructions

 

v    Very literal; doesn't understand jokes, puns, sarcasm, multiple meanings of words

 

v    Difficulty sticking to the main point; brings up irrelevant points

 

v    Doesn't grasp cause and effect relationships; doesn't anticipate and evaluate

 

v    Difficulty transferring learning from one lesson or situation to another

 

v    Is always asking, "What?" and needs to have things repeated

 

v    Poor motor coordination and pencil control; messy handwriting

 

v    Slow and inaccurate when trying to copy work from the blackboard

 

Adapted from Sally Smith, No Easy Answers:  The Learning Disabled Child at Home and at School.  1995.



Symptoms of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

 

Inattention/Distractibility

 

§        Poor attention to detail; careless mistakes

§        Poor sustained attention during activities and tasks

§        Appears not to be listening

§        Easily distracted by outside stimuli

§        Difficulty completing tasks

§        Avoids or expresses dislike of tasks requiring sustained attention

§        Difficulty organizing work and activities

§        Loses things like books, assignments, etc.

§        Forgetful

 

Hyperactivity

 

§        Fidgets or squirms in seat

§        Leaves seat often in school

§        Runs or climbs excessively

§        “On the go” or driven to activity

§        Talks excessively

 

Impulsivity

 

§        Doesn’t think before acting

§        Interrupts conversations and activities of others

§        Answers questions before the speaker finishes asking

§        Difficulty waiting his turn

§        Rushes through assignments

 

Adapted from American Psychiatric Association, DSM-IV.  1994.


What is Attention Deficit

Hyperactivity Disorder?

 

 

Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a neurological dysfunction within the brain.  U.S. statistics estimate that 4-6% of the population has ADHD, 2/3 of whom are male.  This means that at least one child in a normal size classroom has ADHD.   Although many children outgrow ADHD, in about half, the symptoms persist into adolescence or adulthood.  Most children are not diagnosed until they are faced with the demands for increased concentration and sitting still upon entering elementary school.  The earlier the child is diagnosed the better he/she can be helped at school and at home.

 

The exact causes of ADHD are illusive, but research suggests that it has a neurobiological basis.  ADHD may be either inherited or acquired.  Research has shown that it often runs in families. Many children with ADHD also have learning disabilities, another neurological dysfunction.  Poor home environment, trauma, child abuse, depression, and anxiety do not cause ADHD, but they may also affect attention, concentration, and impulse control (without a diagnosis of ADHD).

 

Although social factors do not cause ADHD, ADHD may have effects on the child's social adjustment.  These children often have poor peer relations and frequently have difficulty "fitting in" due to immature emotional control, excessive frustration, unpredictable moods, weak social problem-solving skills, and short attention span.  They are sometimes disruptive in school because it is difficult for them to sit still and do the work.  They blurt out answers and sometimes make noises that distract other students.

 

In the U.S., ADHD is treated by a team including school personnel (teacher, counselor, psychologist, nurse), parents, and the child's physician.  Sixty to ninety percent of U.S. children diagnosed with ADHD take some type of medication to successfully control it.  The most effective medications are psychostimulants such as Ritalin, Dexedrine, Cylert, and Adderall, which stimulate the production of the neurotransmitters dopamine and norepinephrine.  These medications do not sedate ADHD children but instead allow them to focus, pay attention for longer periods, and exhibit more self-control. 

 

It is important for parents and teachers to coordinate with each other in order to help the ADHD child.  A positive, consistent, structured environment in which rules are clearly communicated and enforced both at home and school contribute to the child's wellbeing.  In the U.S., teachers and parents often use a behavior modification system in which children can earn rewards for good behavior.

 

Other suggestions for parents and teachers to help ADHD children include:

 

·        Be clear when giving instructions to these children—be sure you have their attention.

·        Set up an effective discipline system.

·        Help your child learn social skills.

·        Look for your child’s strengths.  Involve your ADHD child in activities in which he/she is interested and has talent.

·        Warn children a few minutes before a new activity so that they can shift tasks.

·        Help them anticipate and plan for what’s coming up in their day or week.

·        Help children organize their notebooks.

·        Give immediate feedback, especially positive reinforcement rather than punishment.

·        Use rewards that are powerful and meaningful to the child.

·        Teach impulse control by the "stop, look, and think" strategy.

·        Expect that they will have good and bad days.

·        Set aside a daily special time to spend with your ADHD child.

·        Give your child unconditional love and acceptance and communicate that you will face the challenges of ADHD together.

·        Be patient!  Keep in mind that these children have a biological problem and are not purposefully trying to exhibit inappropriate behavior.

 

Children with ADHD need special treatment, but their energy and enthusiasm can add zest to the home and classroom.  Appreciate their talents and special skills as well as how difficult it is for them to sit and concentrate in the school setting.


Children with ADHD and LD produce many behaviors

      that irritate

            exhaust

            defeat

                  their parents

                  their teachers

                        and others

that irritate

            exhaust

            defeat

                  themselves

that emanate from “the condition”

not

from devious minds that have

stayed up nights plotting

to annoy and defeat adults.

These children feel bad about themselves.

These children are the recipients of constant criticism.

                        NEGATIVISM

Parents and teachers need to look at what’s working and praise them

      to help them feel competent

            to help them feel O.K.

                  TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES.

                        POSITIVISM

 

 

---Sally Smith


 

 

Drugs and Youth

 

 

Why Do Kids Start Using Drugs?

 

No teen or adult intends to become a drug addict.  No one ever anticipates that he or she could get hooked.   At first, kids experiment with "gateway drugs" such as tobacco, alcohol, and marijuana.  When they crave a more powerful "high," they "graduate" to the harder drugs such as pills, Ecstasy, methamphetamines, cocaine, and heroin.  Kids are naturally curious about drugs and wonder what kind of effects different drugs will have on their minds and bodies.  Teens also seek peer acceptance, want to "fit in" and be "cool."  They look to older peers as role models, but they also emulate adults:  musicians, other popular idols, and especially their parents.  When parents are addicted to nicotine or other drugs or when they cope with stress by using alcohol or pills, they present a dangerous example to their children:  "If you feel bad, a drug can make you feel better."

 

Teens use drugs to feel good and get high.  They seek thrills and excitement.  But sometimes they use drugs to feel "normal."  If young people have psychiatric or emotional problems such as anxiety or depression, they may use drugs to counteract their tension, sad feelings, or pain.  For this reason, it is urgently important for parents to establish good communication with their children from an early age and to be alert to symptoms of psychological disorders.  If a child appears depressed or unduly anxious, it is crucial for the parents to seek expert psychiatric counseling for their child.

 

 

Stages of Drug Use and Abuse

 

Not all teens who try drugs become addicts.  Many quit at the early stages and discontinue drug use altogether; others remain users of gateway drugs and never progress to harder drugs or dependence.  What makes some people continue their use of drugs despite adverse affects and descend to the depths of addiction?  Some of the factors which make a person more inclined toward drug addiction include: genetic predisposition (family history of drug addiction), psychological problems, outside stresses, and drug-using peers.

 

In the experimentation stage, young teens are curious about how how drugs will affect them.  They are often offered their first drugs, usually marijuana, not by evil adult "drug pushers" but by friends and acquaintances.  Since their bodies are not accustomed to the drug, it is easy to get "high."  They use drugs mainly on weekends with their peers and often enjoy the risk of doing something they perceive as grown-up and forbidden.  In the second stage, they move to actively seeking and purchasing the drug and making plans to get high.  They get intoxicated on weekdays as well as weekends and may drop some of their extracurricular interests in favor of drug-related activities.  They may befriend new companions who use drugs and may begin lying about their whereabouts and actions. 

 

In the next stage, teens become preoccupied with drugs and seek stronger and more dangerous "highs."  School performance suffers as does their relationship with family due to their deceitfulness and irritability.  These teens may be truant from school or even expelled.  If they are working, they may be fired from their jobs due to negligence or irresponsibility. They may start stealing or selling drugs in order to finance their drug "habit."  At this point, they use drugs almost daily and have given up their "straight" friends who don't take drugs in favor of colleagues who are involved in the drug culture. Young users may deny their dependence on drugs, or they may realize it and unsuccessfully try to quit or reduce their intake.  In the last stage of addiction, users take drugs not to feel high but to feel OK.  Having developed a tolerance for the drug, they need more and more of it in order to avoid painful withdrawal symptoms.  Physical, mental, and emotional systems deteriorate; feelings of shame, guilt, remorse, and depression may become overwhelming and lead to hopelessness and even suicide.

 

 

Adults Can Help

 

Parents, grandparents, neighbors, teachers, counselors and other concerned adults can prevent this downward cycle of drug abuse in numerous ways.

 

§        Show caring and acceptance of kids, not just for how they perform but because they are valuable human beings.

§        Build security, self-esteem and good values in children.  Help them develop the ability to cope with their emotions and the skills to solve problems and make good decisions.

§        Encourage good school performance, but in a supportive rather than punitive way.  Parents and teachers should work as a team to deal with any learning problems children may exhibit.  Kids who feel good about themselves at school are less likely to use drugs.

§        Teach kids healthy ways to have fun and to cope with stress:  sports, music, art, friendships, relaxation techniques.  Kids who are motivated in creative activities are less likely to seek drugs out of boredom.

§        Develop good communication with children by listening and being nonjudgmental.  Be interested in their views, feelings, and activities.

§        Help children adjust to new situations, especially moves to different towns or schools. 

§        While they are still in elementary school, talk to children about drugs, but not with a lecturing or reprimanding approach.  Be curious about what they know and what they want to know.  Encourage them to ask questions and discuss the consequences of using drugs.  Research accurate and up-to-date information about drugs together.

§        Be a good role model.  When adults say, "I've had a tough day; I really need my cigarette/whisky/pills," they are sending the message that it is easier to rely on outside chemicals rather than inner coping skills to relieve tension or deal with unpleasant emotions.

§        Know the effects of the drugs which are most prevalent in your community and be alert to the signs and symptoms of drug use in your teens

 


Symptoms of Drug Abuse

 

§        Personality Changes

Lack of motivation, "I don't care" attitude

Less involvement at home

Irritability and argumentativeness

Lethargic behavior

Unexplained mood swings alternating between depression and anxiety

or hyperactivity

 

§        Physical Changes

Unkempt appearance

Weight loss, pale face, circles under eyes

Red eyes, dilated eye pupils

Persistent cough, frequent colds, low resistance to illness

Changes in sleep patterns

 

§        Behavioral Changes

Intoxicated behavior, slurred speech

School attendance problems

Drop in school grades

Inability to concentrate; short attention span

Increased need for money

Secretiveness about new friends

Lying, conning, mysterious phone calls

Spending more time in room or away from home

Rebelliousness

Verbal abuse toward family members

Tantrums over seemingly minor issues

 

§        Physical Evidence

Eye drops, mouth wash or breath sprays

Drug paraphernalia such as rolling papers and "roach clips" or pipes for

     marijuana, needles for heroin

Actual drugs or plastic bags with drug remnants

 

 

 

Prevention and Treatment

 

Drug abuse is an individual, family and community problem.  These are our children, and we are responsible for nurturing them to become productive, physically and emotionally healthy drug-free adults.  When they fall into drug abuse or addiction, we all need to help and not condemn or abandon them. 

 

Greece must make strides to educate children, parents, teachers, and the community at large about drugs and methods of prevention, early identification, and treatment.  Drug prevention education should be incorporated into the school curriculum at all levels, through courses in health and physical education which are interesting and relevant rather than didactic and memorization-driven.  Classes such as biology, social studies, and even language arts can offer current information about the dangers and consequences of drug use.  These classes should involve active learning techniques in which youngsters discover their own truths and feel comfortable participating in class discussions where they can ask questions and voice their concerns. 

 

Enjoyable recreational activities as well as mentoring by adults who provide good role models help to prevent drug use and steer children in positive directions.  Teens need to be offered guidance and help if they face any kinds of problems:  school difficulties, troubles in their relationships with peers, or family problems such as divorce, family violence, or parents who are impaired due to psychological disorders or drug abuse.  Informed school pedagogues must be available to identify high-risk teens before these young people turn to drugs.  It is crucial to intervene at the early stages of drug use by providing counseling and support so that the young user does not progress to harder drugs and more frequent use.  Community mental health centers, inpatient and outpatient drug treatment facilities, and self-help groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous must be established to provide counseling for drug users and their families.  Our youth are the future of this country, and we owe it to them to use all our capabilities to encourage them to develop to their fullest potential.

 

 



Children’s Memorandum for Parents

 

·        Don’t do things for me that I am capable of doing myself.  I will feel like a baby and I could also start viewing you as my servant.

·        Don’t forget that I like to experiment.  That’s how I learn, so please be patient.

·        Don’t protect me from consequences.  I have to learn from the experience.

·        Don’t change your mind.  That confuses me.

·        Don’t refuse me when I ask normal questions.  If you don’t respond, I’ll stop asking you and start searching for the answers somewhere else.

·        Don’t make me feel smaller than I am.  I will play the “big boss” in return. 

·        Don’t let my bad behavior draw your attention.  It encourages me to continue it.

·        Don’t correct me in front of others.  I will be more attentive if you talk to me quietly and in private.

·        Don’t patronize me.  You will be amazed how well I know what is right and what is wrong. 

·        Don’t make me feel like my mistakes are sins.  I have to learn to make mistakes and still not feel like a bad person.

·        Don’t use force with me because it teaches me that only force should be respected.

·        Don’t complain all the time.  If you do, I will have to pretend that I am deaf.

·        Don’t tell me that you are perfect and don’t make mistakes.  It is difficult to live with that kind of person.

·        Don’t forget that I cannot grow up without plenty of understanding and support.

·        Treat me as your friend and I will be your friend too.  Remember, I learn more from your example than from your criticism.

 

Above all, I love you very much.  Let me be loved too.

 

Adapted and translated from Mental Health Clinic, Travnik, Bosnia-Herzegovina.

About the Author

 

Bonnie Miller was born in Chicago and received her B.A. in Psychology and Masters in Social Work from the University of Michigan.  Starting her social work career in the public schools, she has conducted training sessions for teachers and mental health professionals all over the world.  

Her work experience includes thirty years as a social worker, psychotherapist, consultant, trainer, and educator.  She has taught Social Work, Psychology, and Special Education at universities in the U.S., Greece, Thailand, Cyprus, and Bosnia-Herzegovina.  Her special areas of interest include mental health, drug prevention, parent education, women’s rights, stress management, and child abuse prevention. 

In Bosnia-Herzegovina, Bonnie Miller served as a consultant to many international non-governmental organizations.  Currently living in London, England, she has created training videos for educators and is consulting at several schools.

Communicating with Children was originally published in Bosnia in 2000 and now has been updated and translated into Greek.   Bonnie Miller’s second book, Connecting with Children in the Classroom: Manual for Teachers, was initially published in English and Bosnian in 2001. It has been adapted for Greece and translated into Greek language in 2002 and is in the process of being translated into Albanian. 

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Updated: 2/6/09