This manual is provided to participants of the TWI for the Children "Training Workshop on Attention Deficit Disorder and Learning Disorders in Children". The Workshops are presented  by Mrs. Bonnie Miller to professionals in the Balkans .

Children who are secure and self-confident are less likely to have difficulties in life.  Treating children with respect and dignity sets an example for the way we would like our children to treat us and others.  Helping children put themselves in another person’s place and understand others’ feelings paves the way for them to become mature and caring adults.
                                                                                   

Empowerment of Children

Ø    Have realistic expectations for each individual child

which are not too high or too low.

Ø    Respect each child, regardless of his/her ability level.

Ø    Find some area in which each child has talents.

Ø    Offer realistic praise and feedback.

Look for improvement and effort, not just the final product.

Ø    Offer opportunities for leadership and team work.

Ø    Have children develop their own rules for behavior,

and hold them responsible for following rules.

(e.g. respecting others, not interrupting, no unkind words, no physical violence, sharing, etc.)

Ø    Offer choices.

Ø    Reframe positively.

“Challenges”, not “problems”

“You’re not the kind of child who would hurt a friend's feelings.”

Ø    Teach self-talk.

"I can."  "I’m OK."  "I've done this before; I can succeed now."

Ø    Stay goal-oriented and help them figure out

their own solutions.

“What do you want?  How do you propose to get there?”

Ø    Help children generate alternatives and options.

"What are some things you can do to solve that problem?"

Ø    Help children think through the consequences of

their actions.

“How will that work?  What will happen then?”

Ø    Set up logical consequences for behavior.

“As soon as…”

(e.g. "As soon as you’ve finished your homework, you can watch the video." “As soon as you’ve cleaned your room, you can go out and play.”)

Ø    Conflict Resolution

Empower children to solve their own conflicts.

"I'm sure you two can work it out by using the win/win method so that

 you can find a solution that meets both of your needs."

Ø    Separate the deed from the doer.

Describe the behavior, not the child's personality or characteristics without using labels or name-calling.

“I like you, but I do not like what you are doing right now.”

 Describe the specific behavior you would like to see instead.

Building Personal Power in Children

1.  Treat your children with respect and dignity.

Just because they are smaller, younger, or less capable doesn’t mean they should be treated with less respect.

2.  Praise your children for being and doing.

Positive regard is one of the nicest gifts children can receive from their parents.  Let your children know they are appreciated for who they are as well as what they do.

3.  Give children opportunities for success.

When children accomplish tasks and are praised for their efforts, their sense of positive personal power is reinforced.  Help them succeed.

4.  Be nurturing and consistent in helping children learn appropriate behaviors.

Children never feel positive about themselves after they have been hit or ridiculed.  Physical and emotional abuse build a sense of negative personal power.  Remember, we are how we behave.

5.  Respect your child’s body. 

They own their body just like you own yours.  Unwanted touch and embarrassing comments about a child’s body are not ways of showing respect.  Children will respect the bodies of others if they experience respect from their parents.

6.  Finally, talk with and listen to your children.

Discuss how they feel, give them a chance to make decisions in family activities, and encourage them to be responsible for their behavior.

Adapted from Family Development Resources, Inc.

3160 Pinebrook Road, Park City, Utah, USA

Self-Concept

Builders and Stealers

Builders                                Stealers

Focus on children’s strengths.                  Focus on their weaknesses.

Expect their children to work                   Give their children

for most of the things they want.             everything.

Set loving limits and expect their             Are afraid to set limits.

 children to behave.

Make discipline look easy.                       Show frustration and make it look hard.

Show their children that arguing              Get sucked into arguments        and manipulation doesn’t work.                and power struggles.

Guide their children to own and               Rescue or punish.

solve the problems the children

create.

Avoid lectures and repeated warnings.    Use lectures and repeated

                                                                     warnings often.

Dr. Charles Fay, Love and Logic,

2207 Jackson Street, Golden, Colorado

1-800-338-4065; www.loveandlogic.org

Confront Negative Talk with Positive Facts

If your child describes himself or herself in negative labels (“I’m stupid.  I never do anything right”), you know it does no good to say, “You are not stupid, and I don’t want to hear you say that again.”  Instead of giving him your opinion, give him the facts.

“Last week, you finished your work in record time, and all correct.”

“Remember when you thought you would never learn to ride a bike either.  And now look at you go!”

If the negative criticism has a history, mention the improvement that has occurred.

“You used to have trouble in reading, but now you can read better.”

Offer a healthier perspective that the child lacks.

“This is just difficult at first.  Everyone has trouble with it.  You’ll get it with practice.”

“You sound frustrated.  Multiplication is tough at first, everyone struggles with it.”

These techniques help a child understand that he is not just “dumb” but simply up against something difficult.

Adapted from Larry Tobin. Parenting on the Go:  Effective Discipline Strategies for the Busy, Devoted Parent. 2000.

 
Developing Empathy in Children

Empathy is the ability for one person to perceive the emotions, needs and desires of another person.  It is the ability of one person to walk in the shoes of another person and feel what that is like.

There are several ways parents can help their children develop a sense of empathy:

1. Discipline

Hitting, spanking, belittling, and criticizing are roadblocks to developing empathy. Using non-violent, nurturing, empathic ways to discipline is a step in the right direction.

2. Expressing Feelings

Children have a right to express how they feel.  What they need to learn are the proper ways to express those feelings.  Parents who fail to show empathy to the range of emotions children express by telling them to quit crying, not to be angry or afraid, etc. teach children to avoid expressing and perhaps even feeling certain emotions.

3. Identify and Validate Children’s Feelings

Children have a right to their feelings.  Naming emotions helps children become more self-aware so that they can deal with their feelings in a constructive manner.

4. Model Empathy

When parents model empathy, they are teaching their children the caring way to react when someone else is distressed.

5. Develop Family Morals

Teach children that certain behaviors are morally right and wrong.

6. Family Rules

No hitting, no using hurting touch or hurting words should be on every family’s list of rules.

7. Behavior Impact

Help children understand the cause and effect concept of empathy.  When children behave in a certain way, their behavior sets off a response in someone else.  The goal is to have children think ahead to predict what reaction could occur if they choose to behave in a certain way.

8. Observe Others

When you’re with your child in a store or watching TV, when appropriate, point out what you observe and ask your child to comment.

9. Teach children to care for pets, plants, and things.

Feeding pets, watering plants, treating toys and other objects with respect are excellent ways to teach empathy.

10.       Non-Verbal Cues

Teach children to pay attention to the non-verbal cues of others.  Children can become attuned to cues that tell them to stop a behavior before it gets out of hand.

11.       Teach Children to Share

As children develop their sense of trust in the world, they realize that giving something up is not forever, but only temporary.  After a short period of time, they’ll get it back.  A couple of things to keep in mind about sharing: 

a)     Develop a family rule of asking and receiving permission to “borrow” an object that belongs to someone else.

b)    Not all things have to be shared.

Adapted from Family Development Resources, Inc.

3160 Pinebrook Road, Park City, Utah, USA

www.familydev.com

How Can I Raise a Moral Child?

·        Monitor your own behavior and values.  Treat other people with respect, empathy, compassion and justice.

·        Take an honest look at how you solve conflicts, both at home and at work.  Are you open-minded?  A good listener?  Do you search for fair solutions to conflicts, or is winning and being right the most important thing?  Do you yell, use violence or aggression, or coerce people with intimidation or guilt?

·        Talk with your children about feelings.  Give them words to identify emotions.  Help your children understand that feelings are different than actions.  It’s OK for them to feel whatever they’re feeling; what matters is how they act.

·        Boys, especially, need to learn that having feelings is normal and even positive.  All children need help learning to express anger without physically or psychologically wounding other people.

·        Show compassion for your child’s feelings, even when they differ from your own.  Let your children know from an early age that you respect their feelings.

·        Talk with your children about how their behavior affects other people. 

     “I think Anna was sad when you wouldn’t give her a turn to play.”

·        Encourage your child to remember how he felt in a similar situation,

or to think about how he would feel under similar circumstances.

·        Use news stories, movies, TV shows, books, and daily life events as a platform for talking about moral issues.

·        Encourage your children to express their own opinions, to think about what they might do and say in various situations, and to try to put themselves in the shoes of victims of injustice.

Adapted from Dr. Susan Linn, www.familyeducation.com

This chapter details ways in which parents can guide their children without being overly domineering or overly protective.  Using empathy, empowering children to take responsibility for their problems, and allowing children to experience the consequences of their actions are the cornerstones of this approach.

The Rules of Love and Logic

Rule #1

Adults set firm limits in loving ways without anger, lecture, or threats.

Rule #2

When a child causes a problem the adult hands it back in loving ways.

1.    In a loving way, the adult holds the child accountable for solving his/her problems in a way that does not make a problem for others.

2.    Children are offered choices with limits.

3.    Adults use enforceable statements.

4.     Adults provide delayed/extended consequences.

5.    The child’s empathy is “locked in” before consequences are delivered.

Love and Logic

2207 Jackson Street, Golden, Colorado

1-800-338-4065; www.loveandlogic.org

Getting Children to Solve Their Own Problems

Love and Logic Step One:              Empathy

                                                          “How sad.”

                                                                        “I bet that hurts.”

Love and Logic Step Two:              Send the “Power Message.”

“What do you think you’re going to do?”

Love and Logic Step Three:           Offer choices.

“Would you like to hear what other kids have tried?”

At this point, offer a variety of choices that range from bad to good.  It’s usually best to start out with the poor choices.

Each time a choice is offered, go on to Step Four, forcing the youngster to state the consequences in his/her own words.  This means that you will be going back and forth between Love and Logic Steps Three and Four.

Love and Logic Step Four:           Have the child state the consequences.

                                                         “And how will that work?”

Love and Logic Step Five:              Give permission for the child to either solve the problem or not solve the problem.

                                                          “Good luck.  I hope it works out.”

Have no fear.  If the child is fortunate enough to make a poor choice, he/she may have a double learning lesson.

Love and Logic Institute

2207 Jackson Street, Golden, CO

1-800-338-4065; www.loveandlogic.org

Three Types of Parents

Consultant

Helicopter

Drill Sergeant

The purpose of discipline is to teach and guide, not to punish as an end in itself.  Our goal is that children become self-disciplined so that they can learn from their mistakes and develop values and a moral conscience.  Many types of non-violent discipline are detailed in this chapter.

Goals of Misbehavior

According to the Adlerian and Dreikurs (Children:  The Challenge) models, it is important to determine children’s MOTIVES for misbehavior and react accordingly.  Parents can detect the child’s goal by how it makes the ADULT FEEL.

If the child is seeking UNDUE ATTENTION,

the adult feels ANNOYED.

If the child wants a POWER STRUGGLE,

the adult feels ANGRY or CHALLENGED.

If the child’s motive is REVENGE,

the adult feels HURT.

And if the child is acting out of DISCOURAGEMENT and PERCEIVED DISABILITY,

the adult feels FRUSTRATED and HOPELESS.

So what can parents do?

Motive:  ATTENTION

Don’t give the child the attention he craves when he deliberately misbehaves to get it.  Yelling, nagging and scolding teach the child he can get attention (albeit negative attention) when he misbehaves.  Instead try to ignore the behavior you don’t like while at the same time paying attention and verbally reinforcing the positive behavior.  Catch the child being good!  Give the child your undivided consideration and spend special times together to show her she doesn’t have to act up to get your attention.

Motive:  POWER STRUGGLE

Act, don’t yak.  Take charge of the show, but not in a way which diminishes the child.  Refuse to get sucked into an argument or fight.  Instead use I-statements, give choices, set logical consequences, and use problem-solving techniques to devise a solution you both can accept.  Help the child feel he does have a say in his life and can use his power constructively.

Motive:  REVENGE

It takes patience not to fight and retaliate by using heavy punishment with the child who uses this motive.  But it is important to recognize that this child wants to hurt others the way she has been hurt.  Instead listen, build self-esteem and a positive self-image, and help her express her feelings in less harmful ways.

Motive:  DISCOURAGEMENT

The cry of this child is “I can’t.”  Parents and teachers should not get conned into taking over and doing everything for the child.  Instead encourage independence and initiative.  Let him help you and younger children. Teach him that it is OK to make mistakes and that we learn from them.  Look for strengths, competencies, and small steps toward success.

Eleven Rules of Discipline

1.      Help children learn appropriate behavior by involving them in direct experiences which will teach them the desired behaviors. Have them observe you behaving in the manner you want them to behave.

2.      Behaviors need consequences following them to help children learn right from wrong.  Consequences following desirable behaviors are called rewards.  Consequences following undesirable behaviors are called penalties or punishments.

3.      What you pay attention to is what you get more of.  One of the important goals of parenting is to catch your children behaving positively.

4.      Punishments are used to help children change inappropriate behavior, and only work effectively when used in conjunction with rewards to reinforce appropriate behaviors.

5.      Punishments are never used to abuse, injure, or cause harm or the threat of harm to children.

6.      “Time out” will only work when “time in” is quality time.  If “time in” is not quality time, the child is already emotionally in “time out.”

7.      “Time out” should be used sparingly and for teaching purposes for young children.  Other forms of punishment are more appropriate for older pre-teens and adolescents.

8.      The punishment must fit the crime.  It must be reasonable, respectful, and related.

9.      The goal of punishment is to be meaningful and quick.  Punishments of long duration provide little motivation for the child to do better.

10. If the child misuses or abuse something, he or she loses it for awhile, then gets another chance to use it.  One of the goals of discipline is to teach appropriate behavior.  If children never get another chance, how are they going to learn?

11. “If you break it, you pay for it.  If you mess it up, you clean it up.” 

Restitution is an excellent way to teach children there are consequences for

their inappropriate behavior.

Adapted from Family Development Resources, Inc.

3160 Pinebrook Road, Park City, Utah, USA

www.familydev.com

Positive Discipline Strategies

The following strategies are preventative in nature, designed to keep situations from escalating to the point where parents feel furious and “lash out.”  No one disciplinary approach is effective with all children or in al situations, and most take practice to use effectively and comfortably.

·       Prepare your child.

Tell your child what is going to happen.  Clearly state your expectations for the child’s behavior, and create an environment conducive to meeting your expectations. 

“We are going to stop at the bank.  You may not run around, but there are big, special chairs for you to sit in and read a story.  Which story would you like to bring?”

·       Acknowledge your child’s feelings.

Reflect back to the child what you think he or she is feeling.  When children feel understood, they are more apt to respond positively.  Be empathetic and focus on the behavior, not the child. 

“It sounds like you want to play with Mommy right this minute.  Sometimes it’s really hard to wait.”

·       Set limits on behaviors that are non-negotiable.

Clearly communicate the limits to the child and follow through consistently.

·       Provide choices instead of giving orders.

No one likes getting orders.  When the child makes a choice, he is more committed to the outcome.  Provide a choice between two acceptable alternatives.

·       Problem-solve together.

Pick a quiet time to sit down with your child and describe the situation.  Acknowledge your child’s feelings and share your own in a non-judgmental way.  Brainstorm possible solutions together, agree on one to try, and be willing to try another if it doesn’t work. 

·       Provide positive reinforcement.

When your children are behaving nicely, make a point of praising them and encouraging them.  Be specific.  Acknowledge every sign of progress toward the desired behavior, regardless how small.  Focus on effort more than on outcome.

·       Distract the younger child.

Move the focus of attention away from the area of conflict and onto a new activity.  If that isn’t possible, injecting humor into a situation that seems to be getting out of hand often neutralizes it, as does fantasy or playacting.

·       Let children experience the consequences of their actions. 

We do not always do children a favor by rescuing them from difficult situations.  For example, instead of getting angry and feeling resentful that you have to take your son’s lunch to school for the second time this week because he forgot it, do not bring it to him.  He will learn a valuable lesson in responsibility without any yelling from you.

Adapted from www.parenting-qa.com

What is Behavior Management?

Behavior management is a general term used to describe techniques parents use to help their children learn appropriate and desirable behaviors.  Some examples of behavior management include praising desired behavior, ignoring undesirable behavior, modeling appropriate behavior, and punishing inappropriate behavior.  These techniques are used by parents to teach children to obey rules, to meet parental expectations for safety, school performance, and cleanliness; and to punish unacceptable behaviors.  Whether you are aware of it or not, as a parent, you are constantly using behavior management techniques.

What is Discipline?

Discipline is the rules, guidelines, and standards for acceptable behavior that parents establish for children.  Discipline forms boundaries within which children learn to act and behave in a socially acceptable manner.  For example, discipline may include responsibilities children have at home, curfew imposed by a parent, family rules such as no hitting or not throwing things, standards for cleanliness, and the consequences for not obeying rules.  The message parents send to children through discipline is, “I care about you and will set limits and consequences to help you learn to manage your own behavior.”

What is Punishment?

Punishment is a penalty administered by a parent to a child when the child has chosen to break one or more of the rules, guidelines, or standards for acceptable behavior that have been set by the parents.  Appropriate types of punishment may include time out, loss of privilege, or replacement of a broken object. 

The Difference Between Punishment and Discipline

Discipline is the rules and expectations parents have for their children’s behavior.  Punishment is the actions taken by parents when rules of expectations have been purposefully broken.

The Rules Must Be Clear and Consistent.

If the players don’t know the rules of the game or if the rules kept changing every week, it would be impossible for the players to know what is allowed and what isn’t allowed.  Without this knowledge, players who were punished would begin to feel angry and resentful toward the referee.

The same is true at home.  Parents expect their children to behave in an acceptable manner.  However, to behave in a manner which the parents define as acceptable, children need to know the rules—what is acceptable and what is not acceptable.

Of equal importance is the consistent presence of the rules.  If the rules keep changing or disappearing, the result will be feelings of confusion and eventually anger.

The Rules Must Be Fair.

Rules that are too strict prevent the learning of independence, autonomy, and responsibility.  When children feel the rules you establish are too strict, you can discuss the issue with them and attempt to resolve the differences of opinion.  When children feel the rules are too strict and are not allowed an opportunity to discuss them, they may feel both the rules and the punishment are unfair.

Timing of Punishment

To be most effective, the punishment has to be given immediately following the inappropriate behavior. A short time span allows children to understand the relationship between the inappropriate behavior and the punishment.  If too much time elapses, young children may become confused and may not remember why they are being punished.

Consistency of Punishment

To reduce the number of times children misbehave, the punishment has to be administered every time the misbehavior occurs.  If the punishment is only occasionally administered, children will experience confusion, may learn how to be manipulative, and will often feel the punishment is unjust.

Non-abusive Punishment

Hitting, yelling, threatening, and belittling children are abusive practices. 

They teach children that they are not good rather than that their behavior is unacceptable.

Adapted from Family Development Resources, Inc.

3160 Pinebrook Road, Park City, Utah, USA

www.familydev.com

Types of Punishment

·       Loss of Privilege

Appropriate for ages 2 ½ and older

A privilege is a right granted by the parent.  Privileges can be watching TV, playing with a certain toy, etc.  If a child misuses the object or misuses the privilege, she/she loses it for awhile.  Take away a toy or a privilege only when the child misuses it (thrown, broken, etc.)

·       Being Grounded

Staying in the house and losing social privileges

·        Parental Disappointment

A simple statement can express the disappointment a parent has in a behavior the child has chosen to perform.  The intent is to build some caring and awareness in the child of the parent’s disappointment.  For example, “Son, I want you to know how disappointed I am that you chose to hit your brother.  I’m sure the next time you’re upset, you won’t hit your brother and you will tell him not to take your toys.”

·       Time Out

Appropriate for child 3 years old or older

Time out is a temporary isolation of the child from others because he/she chose to act inappropriately.

Adapted from Family Development Resources, Inc.

3160 Pinebrook Road, Park City, Utah, USA

www.familydev.com

Time Out

“Time out” is a way of teaching children that their conduct is unacceptable and that they can’t achieve their goals by behaving inappropriately.  Time out removes the child from all reinforcement, including the attention he craves.  It gives the child time to calm down and think about what he can do differently.  In addition, it provides the adult the opportunity to cool off in order to decide on the best plan that will have the greatest teaching impact on the child.

The "time out" method is most commonly used with children ages 3-9.  Behavior which warrants a time out consequence includes: fighting or aggressive conduct, shouting, throwing or destroying things, temper tantrums, talking back to an adult, etc. 

The adult can first say something like, "That is unacceptable behavior.  Use assertive words instead of pushing your sister," or "Time to stop and think."  Then the adult can give a warning, "If that behavior continues, you will have to go to time out."  The exception to this rule is if the child is destructive or hurting another child, in which case he should be removed immediately.  The adult should speak in a calm and non-threatening tone of voice:  "You need to go to time out now."  Avoid power struggles or arguments.  If the child starts to protest, just repeat without emotion, "You need to go to time out now." 

The time out place should be boring and devoid of stimulation. Avoid paying attention to the child in time out or letting other children interact with him.  The basic rule for time out is that the child should stay in this place for one minute per every year of age (e.g. a four year old would have a four minute time out).  However, if the adult observes that the child has calmed down, the duration of time out can be reduced.  After the child is released from time out, the adult should try to notice and comment on his socially appropriate behavior.             

How to Use Time Out

Time Out is…

Time Out is a form of behavior management used by parents when the child displays inappropriate behavior.  A child is removed from the scene of the misdeed to a quiet area.  There the child does nothing until he or she is allowed to return.

Time Out is Not…

Time out is not isolating a child for long periods of time; it is not solitary confinement in some dark room; and it is not a threat of loss of a parent’s love and protection.

When to Use Time Out

Use time out when the child has seriously violated one or more of the family rules.  Some examples may be:  deliberately breaking something, throwing objects in the house; ignoring a request to stop doing something; or abusive behaviors to others such as hitting, kicking, swearing, or pulling hair.

When Not to Use Time Out

Do not use time out for minor infractions of family rules, for behaviors you find mildly annoying or partially unacceptable, or for normal accidents.  Try ignoring the behavior or using other forms of behavior management instead of time out.  The selective use of time out will increase its effectiveness as a management technique.

Time out works best with pre-school and elementary school age children.  Time out with teenagers is not a useful behavior management technique.  Other techniques such as choices and consequences and loss of privileges are more effective with adolescents.

Make sure the child understands the concept of time out.

Establish rules that will warrant a time out.

Choose a time out place.

This area should be without interesting things to look at or do. A stairway, hallway, behind a door, or a chair are all appropriate possibilities for a time out place. There’s not much to do in these places except sit and wait.  NEVER lock a child in a room or use dark, scary rooms or rooms without sufficient ventilation for time out. Time out is the removal of a child from a pleasant situation to a non-reinforcing situation. It is not a sentence to jail.

Establish how long the time out will last.

Short duration (one to seven minutes) time outs are more effective than longer periods.  A good rule of thumb is one minute per year of the child’s age.  Using a kitchen timer or microwave oven timer allows the child to hear the bell when the time out is completed.

How to Use Time Out

Give the child one warning that the behavior is inappropriate and that if it continues, he or she will have to take a time out.  If the behavior is injurious to others, give the child a time out immediately.

If the inappropriate behavior continues after the warning, tell the child to go to the time out area.  If the child resists, use minimum physical force to ensure the departure to time out.  Never use abusive physical force to accomplish a time out.

Tell the child how long the time out will last.  Remind the child that time out doesn’t start until he or she is quiet.

Ignore all comments, promises or arguments by the child that he or she won’t do the behavior anymore.  Any attention by the parent may reinforce the inappropriate behavior.

After the time out is over, redirect the child to appropriate behaviors and praise the child for being cooperative in the future.  If time out occurred during dinner, allow the child to finish dinner.

Adapted from Family Development Resources, Inc.

3160 Pinebrook Road, Park City, Utah, USA

www.familydev.com                  and other sources                      

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Updated: 2/6/2009